Archive for October, 2007

For the last two years I have been a writer on the annual holiday show THIS IS THE WEEK THAT IS, produced by my friends at 1812 Productions. The show is a live theater piece combining political satire and a theatrical history lesson of said political satire. The whole second act of the show is “The News” where we do, well, the news with sketches, music and if you are lucky, dance numbers.

I was reading through some jokes from last year and thought I’d post some here.

THESE ARE THE JOKES THAT WERE.

Enjoy!

President Ford’s Funeral

Our top story tonight: President Gerald Ford dead at the age of 93.

Former President Gerald Ford died Tuesday bringing an official end to Chevy Chase’s career.

President Ford was our nation’s 38th President and the only commander-in-chief not elected to the office. Well sort of… [IMAGE OF G.W. BUSH]

Ford was best known for taking over the presidency after the resignation of a disgraced Richard Nixon. Upon taking office he declared “Our long national nightmare is over.” He pardoned Nixon a month later saying “Just kidding.”

President Ford survived two assassination attempts during his 895 days in office. The President was unhurt in both encounters but to be fair, the shooters were women.

As a former president Mr. Ford is entitled to a state funeral and his face on an insignificant piece of currency.

It was under President Ford that Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney entered the political spectrum as Secretary of Defense and Chief of Staff respectively. Upon taking their positions, President Ford declared “Our long national nightmare is starting all over again.”

GAY MARRIAGE

The Gay Marriage debate continues to be a hot button issue around the country. According to a Quinnipiac University poll released Nov. 8, 50 percent of New Jersey voters would oppose allowing homosexual couples to “marry,” while 34 percent think Quinnipiac University is a made up name. In a related poll, 78 percent of New Jersey voters think NY Giants tight end Jeremy Shockey is a “fag.”

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WAR ON CHRISTMAS UPDATE

As the holidays come to a close we look back at America’s other war, the War on Christmas. This season saw an increase in activity over last season, going from “a smattering” to “hardly any.” But there were some highlights.

The flashpoint this year was Seattle-Tacoma International Airport where 14 fake Christmas Trees were removed for being “too Christmasy.” The trees were eventually returned to their positions to the delight of Christians and plastic horticulturists’ everywhere.

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SADDAM HUSSEIN’S TRIAL

Saddam Hussein, the former Iraqi president, was found guilty of crimes against humanity and is sentenced to die by hanging before the New Year. Throughout the trial Saddam has claimed he is innocent of these charges. He plans to reveal all this in more in his new book “If I Did It, Here Is How I Killed the Kurds in Halabja, Invaded Kuwait, Killed Political Activists, Murdered Religious Leaders and Massacred Members of the Kurdish Barzani Tribe.”

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It’s not political but it’s funny:

Denise Richards, ex-wife of actor Charlie Sheen launched a massively unsuccessful offensive against the paparazzi on the Canadian set of her new film Wednesday, hurling two photographers’ equipment off her hotel balcony and inadvertently striking an elderly wheelchair-bound woman. Tensions eased when it was revealed that the elderly woman was really her boyfriend Richie Sambora.

Actor Daniel Baldwin was arrested today for allegedly stealing a white SUV. Baldwin says it was all a misunderstanding and that he had innocently borrowed the car from a friend to “drive around in a heroin crazed stupor.”

On this election day, Govervor Ed Rendell stopped at the Melrose Diner to speak with voters and have a slice of pie. Waitresses say he does this every election day as well as every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Pie Day, also known as the weekend.

Millions of bottles of the widely used pain reliever acetaminophen are being recalled because they may contain metal fragments. While this is bad news for the medicine company this is great news for the makers of Magnet-Enema.

In local news, the Philadelphia 76ers suffered a defeat last night to the LA Clippers with a final score of 103 – 97. They are scheduled to lose again Tuesday against the Detroit Pistons.

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I’ll post more, including some from this year, in the weeks to come.

I always thought Melora Hardin (aka “Jan” from The Office) was kind of hot, sexy and sultry.

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Turns out I was right!

“All we ever wanted to do was entertain the nice people!”

Mr. Show at one of it’s finest moments!

This is from Meg and Rob.

Who is Meg and Rob?

Check ’em out!

Meg is a fellow Philly comedy-type person. She came to the last DIE ACTOR DIE and introduced herself. I dig her stuff. Check out her site. She’s as much a comedy nerd as the rest of us.

But he excels at Guitar Hero II! For real.

Money Shot:

Later that week we were going to play Guitar Hero II (which Bob excels at by the way – for real)

All this according to David Cross.